Sometimes, you get stuck in a rut, and you don't even know it. Or you do know, but you feel like there is no way out. That is what happened to me, and it wasn't until my separation, that I woke up. The separation shook me to core, despite the fact that the writing had been on the wall for quite some time. Apparently I needed a good shaking to break free.
Many people have expressed sympathy and sorrow towards me regarding my situation. Now, I realize that for many outsiders, the announcement of my separation came as a huge shock, and they don't understand why I am not sitting in my house with the blinds shot, drinking vodka and listening to Joni Mitchell all day long. But I don't have the inclination to do that, not even in the slightest.
So, "STOP feeling sorry for me, and Mom, stop worrying about me!" I'm doing great. For the first time in years, I feel like myself again. I'm not suffocating anymore. Yes my future at the moment is uncertain, and if you ask anyone close to me, they will tell you that I change my mind from one week to the next about what I want to do. Whether I'm going to go home, or stay in Germany, whether I'm going to go back to work or go back to school. Whether I'm going to pursue my dream of becoming a writer or go back to a desk job.
But the beauty of that is that I have a choice. I have lots of options, and I get to decide from now on where I'm going with my life. Don't get me wrong, I've always been a firm believer that you choose your own destiny. For
eleven years, I designed my life around someone else. That was my
choice at that time.
Now, I get to make new choices and guide my life in a new direction. Of course this doesn't mean that I don't consider my
children and their father, but it does mean that I am in control of my
life once again, and that in itself is beautiful.
We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery,
guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The
world is all gates, all opportunities. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~