13 March 2012

The Last Love Letter to My Husband

Over the last two years, my posts have been sparse and infrequent, for which there are a couple reasons.  One is that I had joined a theatre group in which I had become fully immersed.  However, the main reason is that it came to my attention in a smack-me-in-the-face sort-of-way that my marriage was failing, and I turned all my energy towards saving my marriage and my family. 

I strongly believe in the vows that I took when I married Paul almost nine years ago.   I made a vow, I made a promise, and I honor my word.  However, no matter how hard you try, willpower is not always enough to save a marriage.  Both of us our to blame, both of us have failed each other in many ways.  And in the end, both of us were miserable, and it was negatively affecting our children. 

On January 1st 2012, after a year-and-a-half of working on our marriage, we made the very hard decision to separate.  Yes the decision was mutual, and breaking up our family was the most painful decision I have ever made.   However, in the end, we both believe it is for the best.  I can't speak for Paul, but I have been mourning the ideal of my marriage and family, and what I had hoped for my life.  It has been a mixture of relief, sadness, anger, peace and lingering love. 

Despite our problems, Paul will always hold a special place in my heart.  He is after all the father of my children, and my children are half him.   Because he gave Max and Maggie to me, I will always be grateful to him, and the eleven years we had together.  We took an amazing journey together, a roller coaster of ups and downs; we have been weak, and we have been strong.   If I am to believe in destiny, or a greater design in life, I do believe we were meant to be together for this time, and we were meant to give our children to the world. 

I also have to believe that our marriage was never meant to be forever, that it was meant to be for this amount of time it lasted.  That we were meant to come to Germany together.  That the door on our marriage is closing so other doors can open.  Paul, I wish you all the best in your life and your pursuit of happiness.  It is time to tear down this wall, so we can build anew. 


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