24 March 2012

Spiritual vs. Legal Marriage

Many of my friends and family have been quite surprised at how calm I am, amazed at how I've taken this whole thing in stride, comparing it to their own experiences, "You need to be an angry black woman.  My mom threw a cinder block through her husband's car window." 

Honestly, there are times when I'd love to be the angry woman throwing things at him, running up his credit card etc. and there are moments, especially when I'm PMSing, that I give into the urge to feel totally pissed.  Over all, however, I'm not the kind of person that can hold on to anger.  Anger eats me alive, and frankly, I don't have the energy.  I'd rather focus my energy on my children and things that make me happy like writing.

I can't pinpoint the exact date, but spiritually my marriage died a long time ago, and I was only holding on to it for the sake of the children.   Yes, according to the law he is still my husband.  Emotionally however, that horse is dead. 

I was angry, for a big part of the last three years of my marriage, I've been angry, but now that we are separated, I feel the greatest sense of relief and freedom.  The relationship was eating me alive, and now that it is over, I am so much happier. 

And while the separation is fresh, I've not struggled with being alone.  After eleven years together, I thought I would miss him, but the truth is that I don't.  Not one bit.  In some way things are more complicated now than they were before, trying to shuffle the children back and forth between households, splitting finances and managing our time. 

Outshining all those complications, however, my life has been simplified.  I've enjoyed learning how to be alone again.  If I want to write instead of fold laundry, no one is going to chastise me for it.  No one is going to care if I'm doing Yoga on a Wednesday night after the kids go to bed, instead of snuggling and watching a movie.   I don't have to share the covers at night, or listen to someone snoring.  I can cook whatever I want for dinner without having to please someone else.  And on the flip side, if I'm feeling lonely in the evenings when the kids go to bed, there is always a friend to call.  And on the days when the kids are with their father, if I don't want to be alone, I can always find someone to hang out with.

Yes, we still have problems communicating, and sometimes the things that he does infuriates me, baffles me, shocks me and irritates me, but now I can view this person like a work colleague, instead of the man I sleep next to day-in-day-out.  He can irritate me, and as soon as he walks away, I can toss that irritation aside, and go on with my life.

So, you see, this is why I've been calm.  This is why I am OK.  This is why I'm not angry.

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